


Nementia: Blood Letting

by TriggeredKpop



Series: Nementia [2]
Category: bts, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: BPD, Blood, Borderline Personality Disorder, Choking, Depression, Fucked Up Shit, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Rape, Urine, Watersports, gratuitous use of the word fuck and its derivatives, this entire work will be full of trigger warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-17 23:14:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11278773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TriggeredKpop/pseuds/TriggeredKpop
Summary: Min Yoongi is fucked up and his therapy is a joke.





	Nementia: Blood Letting

**Author's Note:**

> This work is heavy. Please pay attention to trigger warnings or if you know you're easily triggered, I suggest finding something else to read.

****

**June 23, 2017**

Damn. It's been a long time huh? talking to myself per usual here. Did I mention last time that I'm in therapy or did it slip my mind? Well, I'm in therapy. Decided to seek help when I broke down in front of my doctor who said I need to pull up my big guy pants and work - although my organs are literally being eaten alive from the inside out. Slowly but literally. Whose only suggestion was _"I can prescribe you antidepressants"_ to which I mentally replied 'fuck off' as if it wasn't something deep-rooted that will probably take years of therapy. As if it was something magical pills would solve with a pop into the mouth. He left the room while I was crying. What a joke of a doctor. Something to note about this asshole: He once told me he caught a bunny in his backyard and said his dog was "hungry for it", then asked me what I thought he should do since he didn't really want to give it to his dog and he didn't really like the taste of rabbit meat. _"Let it go, you sick fuck."_   I should have said but it shocked me and I couldn't... process it. Why would he tell me that? I still don't know. His nurse came in to discharge me and told me they have a sliding scale program for losers like me who can't work for whatever fucking reason, minus the losers part.

Haven't rested in days, two hours here and there maybe. No dreams either. Not that I've ever really dreamed. And hardly no food. Just a fuck ton of caffeine which makes my bpm (beats per minute) insanely fast and my body weak - but they help keep me focused and my mind doesn't wander as much. I have to stop it from wandering too far; something I've noticed is a necessity since starting therapy. I think I'm getting addicted. Or not. It's only 2 pills every day and spaced out. I'm smart enough to not exceed the 3 pill a day limit. I'll keep my 400mg, thank you. That doesn't mean I don't want more. Or more of something else.

What I don't want is to eat. It drains me thinking about it and it drains me to not eat. I don't know, just don't do it much these days. I don't want to smell food, bother chewing it, tasting it or talk to anyone. I really don't want to talk to anyone. I've pushed almost everyone away besides my roommate (we room together what can I do?) and I'm not even sure how I feel about it because my borderline ass just doesn't process things the same way most mentally well-off people do. You know what I do want? I want to be talked down to. I want to be hit, spat on, peed on, fucked until I'm numb again. Or maybe until I feel the right things or feel everything or feel safe or until I have a reason to fear or as a way to be mentally broken down until I've melted into myself and remain a puddle for my shadow to drown in. I haven't told my therapist but I have rape fantasies, of me getting raped and beat. I've wanted this for years and I can't explain why. She'll probably say that it's a way some people cope with past rapes to have control over the situation or whatever. Not sure and it's not something I'll be telling her anytime soon. Why?

My therapist is a Christian, not that it's a big deal - except it is when you're not and when you have fucking fantasies of being raped or violently abused. Namjoon knows. He doesn't know what to say. The first survey-thing I filled out had the question "Do you prefer to have [insert religion] brought up during therapy/to help with your therapy?" or some ridiculous question like that. I marked 'no'. Why would they even ask? Our first session, she brought it up anyway. It seems to always come into the conversation, which is why I hold some things back from her. I was a Christian once. Namjoon never was. I talked to him recently about this and he just said _"What can you expect in our town?"_ I don't know, Joonie. I guess I was just expecting them to leave religion out of my fucking therapy. Don't misunderstand. I have nothing against most Christians except that they're regressive as fuck and Christian lawmakers usually screw everyone in the end - including our entire goddamn planet.

It's not like I don't talk with her for an hour every week. I have opened up according to the program. The program. Min-fucking-Yoongi is on a program. A 13-step (week) program where he can only cover one traumatic experience at a time **for the entire 13-week duration**. I can't talk about anything else, can't deviate (I've tried to talk about what was bothering me most but a sliding-scale is what a sliding scale is; and that usually doesn't afford its customers with the greater side of psychological help). The only time I can get away with bringing up anything outside of the first traumatic experience is during our questionnaire time, something I fill out before every appointment.

**From 'Not at all' to 'Several times a day', how often do you:**

_\- feel like you're a complete and utter disaster_

_\- feel like your family thinks you're a complete and utter disaster_

_\- have thoughts of self-harm or suicide_

_\- feel like this is a waste of time_

Only one of those is actually asked. It's the self-harm/suicide question that enables me to talk outside the program for a few minutes. Like today, I answered several times a day (I've previously answered not at all) regarding self-harm/suicide and we talked about it for a minute. As my therapist, she wanted to know what I meant and I told her, with scars on my arms from past transgressions, that I've been thinking recently of bleeding out _"preferably in a bathtub because that would make something about the scene more beautiful."_   I'm guessing I hadn't told her about my fascination with blood, which probably results from seeing my own sister bleed out when she was just 13 years old.

Speaking of my appointment today (haven’t gone in three weeks), I’m supposed to **“hand-write a full account (~8 pages of the traumatic event (rape @ age 10) and include as many sensory details as possible (sights, sounds, smells, etc).** I have to **“also include as many thoughts and feelings that you recall having during the event.”** This was earlier yesterday. It’s now the next day and I haven’t started. My nieces birthday is today but I might not be able to see her because her dad never has anything together and instead of having anything planned for her, they're waiting on someone elses say-so regarding what they do or do not do for her birthday. Fucking great. My therapist stressed writing this account asap because I’m also supposed to read it aloud every day until my next appointment, which is 2 weeks from now. And the re-runs of his 40 year-old skin and scent against my 10 year-old skin, which I haven't thought about in over a decade won't leave my mind. I can't believe after all these years, I still remember what his skin felt like, what he smelled like and how I could tell that he had showered just before. Or the songs that played during. Or how my grandfather was in the next room but I didn't call out. Or how my oldest sibling brought him to our house or how my middle sibling knew it was happening but just walked to my mother's room to read a book. And what's even better is that after I went out with my friend today to pick up one extra thing for my nieces birthday party, which she may or may not have, I ended up running into someone who smelled just like my ex, my childhood best friend, who ended up crawling through my window and choking me while he abused me again and again; something I'm not allowed to bring up in therapy yet because we have to 'follow the program'.

I feel like I’m falling and floating and my heart is pounding and I don’t want to eat anything today or be anything today but I have to at least eat something because I take this medication at night that if I don’t eat with it my stomach starts burning. And I can’t explain it but I came home and masturbated, cumming over and over, until I was deaf in one ear, either from my own moaning or from the audio I had playing. It sounded like Jungkookie. His moans were so needy and whiny and fuck! What the hell is wrong with me? I wish I had a competent enough mental health provider because this shit is fucked up. I pictured Jungkook perfectly with the sound on repeat. He was so pliant and ready and I touched, moved, rocked until my voice was hoarse, imagining him inside me or me caressing and bringing him to release. I couldn't get over the pleasure, each one stronger than the last. But it’s made me feel worse like I want to be touched all over by many hands, rough or soft; it doesn't matter - but also want to be left alone without any human contact for days. And I’m having these thoughts to be hit repeatedly because then maybe the violence will calm me down and help me not float away or maybe it will make me numb again and I won’t have to feel any of this. Or maybe I can just exsanguinate in a pool of my own blood, the only artwork I could ever take pride in.

Min Yoongi, 6/23/2017


End file.
